The Newly Single

The Newly Single

The newly single man is a dangerous subject for the young and foolish women, if you want to find your soulmate, life partner, husband to be (fill in as appropriate) then stay clear of the Newly Single man. The Newly Single is usually mourning the loss of someone to wake up with in the morning, someone to sit along side him at lunch with his parents and someone to introduce his friends to as his girlfriend - which is why he will do all three in the first week of meeting you. (Diagnosing fact no.1 - relationship on steroids.) He will shower you with what every women is programmed to fall for, declaring that you are everything his ex wasn't, he has never met anyone like you, he feels more for you in a week than he ever did over the 4 years he spent with his ex. (Diagnosing fact no.2 - continuous comparisons to his insignificant ex.) The other and most significant diagnosis of the Newly Single Man is his ability to completely disappear after approximately 1-3 weeks of dating him. You may be lucky enough to receive a basic text giving hint to his absence, you will not be lucky enough however to be given an explanation or even worse any of the things you happened to leave at his place. I have lost many a DVD to the disease.

James Green was such a man, I met him through a friend who had overheard him saying "I love that fit blonde behind the bar." Brownie points to James. When finally introduced he went on to tell me how he'd also seen me in my previous job and hadn't been able to take his eyes off me. Said by an older or attractively challenged man this would be cause for the purchase of a rape alarm. Said by the hench smiling blonde it was cause for a phone number and a date. Over the next week his continuous charm and confidence subtly hid his slightly obsessive behaviour, (as did flowers - known female weakness.) Being young and easily influenced I happily accompanied him to view flats and smiled hiding confusion when asked,

"do you like it though? as you'll be spending a lot of time here." (Date no. 2)

I sat politely through Sunday lunch with the family,
"When I said I'd take you to lunch I meant at my parent's house," (Date no. 3)

I flirted down the isles of Tesco on his arm gathering ingredients for macaroni cheese, which after a night of cuddling on the sofa, great sex and a cuppa in bed, he wrapped up for his packed lunch.
"We should cook extra next time at dinner so I can always take it to work." (Date no. 4)

He charmed my friends and even my mum who declared that her physic had told her there would be a wedding that year. Mum's can always be counted on to get excited over a week new relationship, especially those who see physics.

When becoming accustomed to this emotionally available, heart on his sleeve evolution of a man I began to relent and followed suit. This began with equally sweet texts and proceeded on to the making of a mix tape, after a comment he made on my wonderful music taste. Don't judge me people. We have all been there. In true Newly SIngle style, once feelings are reciprocated he must retreat into the cave in which he came from where mobile phones are unavailable.

Once diagnosed a datee of a Newly Single must watch carefully for the these warning signs. When the texts and calls have ceased many women like to play "guess the problem," the problem is not he's busy at work, or that his grandmother may have pneumonia. His lack of texts, calls and visits is simple, he doesn't want to see you. Sure we may bubble wrap it in "he's afraid," "he got so hurt in his last relationship," "I shouldn't have slept with him so soon," yada yada - either way, he doesn't want to talk as much, so please ladies, don't you talk more. Unfortunately I gained my rings of wisdom a while later, so I shamelessly did what a sobbing young girl would do, I told him I didn't want to see him anymore, (in text of course, us youngsters can't handle the face to face just yet.) I then proceeded to change my mind after getting no reaction, tried to call him at work and ended on a pitiful text of "please talk to me." Safe to say he never did again.
Words of wisdom - in moments of self doubt, neurosis and slight paranoia, delete his number. It's the only way to go.

The saddest state of affairs is that I will now live on in the minds of all who knew him as that girl who went a bit crazy. It's too late to play the "you were crazy first" card. I am still shamelessly waiting for my moment in that bit of the film, where you bump into a man who shamed you with a gorgeous bloke on your arm, looking inexcusably hot and overly important. Just for emphasis he may be packing up his bankrupt business or have gotten nice and plump. Call me sad but I'm not one for unfinished business.

Several months later I met a guy who knew of this James Green, who looked suitably surprised to find that I had dated him.
"You know he's been with a chick called Sophie for the past 4 years?"
"Yeah they broke up."
"No, they never broke up, and they're still together. Didn't you notice the tattoo of her name on his neck?"
"He told me he was getting that covered.."

Here is my lesson to you all, where one woman fails another one must succeed, (or escape in full possession of all her DVD collection.) When dating a Newly Single man take note of the following rules:

* Wait until that tattoo has been covered.
* Always book a restaurant yourself if told you're being taken to lunch. If you are driven to a residential area, calmly step out of the car.
* Never follow another man's pace when it comes to declaring feelings.
* Don't make a mix tape.