The Biter

There are many reasons I will not be calling over for round two after sleeping with someone for the first time, one of these reasons was demonstrated on Friday night when I decided to make a long overdue call to Sam's house after work one night. We had flirted none too subtly over the bar for longer than I care to remember. He was hot in the 'wish I was a rock star instead of working for my dads insurance company' kind of way, clean shoes - wore his vintage leather over a checked shirt with the collars almost as high as his self esteem. He was a ladies man and a player without a doubt, this isn't a complaint I'm making, quite the opposite. If I was looking for The Big Relationship I wouldn't have given Liam Gallagher jr. a second glance, (I'm not one of those 'oh but he'll change for me if I love him enough and agree to anal' kind of girls.) However given the qualities I am looking for (great in bed, non committal, pretty to look at, won't tell me he'll wait for me when I'm ready for him with a tear in the eye,) then Sam makes the list.

May this be a lesson to all of you, if you want a one night stand to turn into a two night stand, regular casual sex and/or a relationship then please take serious note of this chapter.

After a courtesy 'would you like a cup of tea' and momentary awkwardness of 'how did I end up in your kitchen being offered tea when the only words I've really said to you is 'would you like ice with that?' We made our way upstairs. The usual commenced when a guy is slightly nervous about the casualness of this encounter, he puts on a DVD to pretend the reason I came over to his house at 4am is to watch 'Home Alone 2.' Some men will still slide into their usual routines of needing to get a girl slightly drunk on at least a few rounds of cocktails and draw them back to their house with the idea of 'wouldn't it be nice to lie next to each other and watch a DVD in the quiet and get to know each other.' Men as a species are still not quite accustomed to women wanting the same as them - a hard fuck at the end of a nights work then back to my own bed where I wont wake up lacking my own coffee cup and toothbrush.
However I followed his lead and discussed the joys of 'Home Alone 1' compared to the less appeasing 'Home Alone 2' until he slid his hand across the duvet to reach between my legs and leaned in to bite me on the neck.

Let me make this clear now - I am not in anyway against biting, nibbling, running teeth along the body and any other teeth variety you can think of. Leaving a small bite mark on my thigh, shoulder etc is all quite welcome, (would be very hypocritical of me to say they weren't.) However I have limits, and these limits include biting me repetitively hard on my most sensitive areas - sensitive areas being the nipples and clitoris. (Yes clitoris - you crazy bastard.)

After one casual night with the biter my breasts were unable to be touched by me (or anyone else) for at least a week, this is a very unwelcome waste. I'm not one to blatantly pull away mid shag and condemn a guy for doing things wrong (thats one sure fire way to guarantee neither you or him are going to finish.) However the less obvious approaches of flinching, hair pulling and eventually a none too subtle 'careful!' was not enough to deter the biter. I drove out of his well kept drive unnecessarily sore, (not in the 'what an amazing night I'll be out of action for at least 2 days' way,) but with 'fuck me you're so dirty' in my head after having heard it on repeat for the last 20 minutes, a tally of no orgasms for me, and one less number in my phone.

I am slightly ashamed to say that I only sent 'sorry busy' or 'sorry who is this again?' in answer to many texts, I did avoid his head turn in the street and smiled sweetly when he turned up at the bar asking why I never text him back. 'Work is so busy love sorry,' (for all of you who have been fed this line - I'm sorry to tell you that work is never that busy, we can always fit in a good shag.) I could have been honest, but that would have been all the more time wasted, and unless I have been bought dinner or am planning on trying to fix these hiccups in the hope for a better next time I'm not going to play Agony Aunt to your biting ways. I want to make a formal apology to the women who succeeded myself, I hope your breasts will forgive me - may you be a stronger women than I.

Unfortunately men such as these are not fast learners. A year (and one girlfriend) on and I am still having his face pop up on my screen while facebooking, his persistence is relatively humorous otherwise I would have blocked his cute arse while applying vaseline to my nipples. After giving him a curt "have fun with that" and logging out when informed of his nudity, his smiling face popped up again the next day, inquiring for the 4th day in a row "how've you been lately?" While writing this I have had the following conversation:

Sam: "What you up to tonight?"
Me: "Just visiting the family."
Sam: "I think I'm just going to have some me time,"
Me: "Good idea."
Sam: "Lol. Naauuuggghhhtttyyy!"

The ability to turn every conversation dirty single handedly is truly a skill. This man is going to be a valued facebook friend for life.